Self Discovering Journey
As promised, here it is. So….who are you? What the heck is this journey? Well fellow reader, it’s something I experienced and I’m pretty sure others have too. It’s finding the answer to that question posed and the funny thing is….the journey never stops…it just brings about new pages. But you don’t realize that at first. Read on…..
After graduate school I knew I wanted to save the world (typical social worker really lol) but I knew the task wasn’t simple nor that realistic. I had just landed my first job and I was bright eyed and bushy tailed. That soon turned into feeling like roadkill. My supervisor quit, there was a mass exodus in another unit and soon I was “voluntold” to move to the empty unit. Loved my clients but hated every minute of it. Why? Because I felt it was me against the system.
I was (and still am) the social worker who questioned our own policies and practices when I didn’t feel the system supported black and brown folks. I was chewed out and spat out multiple times.
So what does this have to do with a so called journey? Well…the truth of the matter was…even if scared…I never had a problem standing up for others or what I felt was right. For the longest I thought I was doing the same for myself. Turns out…I was mostly being destructive. Avoiding emotions, avoiding anything that had to do with closeness, intimacy, or love. I was tough, I took no shit and told it like it was. But really I was doing everything possible not to feel, to not be vulnerable, to not recognize what truly needed to be discovered.
And so began my self discovering journey. I prayed, I fell, I conquered, fell again, got caught between a rock and a hard place and ultimately surrendered to vulnerability. Scariest crap I’ve ever experienced! However I realized that every time I tried to fight vulnerability…she handed me my ass. All she was trying to really do was mold me and me make me stronger. I allowed myself to feel, to cry, to feel defeated, to recognize that I didn’t always have to be strong and that accepting defeat temporarily….was okay.
With each defeat I grew stronger, with each tear I increased understanding, with each time I faced fear I accepted courage and felt love. And today, these trials, tribulations, and blessings have led to a woman who knows what she wants out of life and what next steps she will be taking for her career and her family.
So it’s your turn…feel the good, the bad, and the ugly. Really listen to yourself and allow yourself to be defeated, loved, shaken, disappointed, and hit by life at full force. Don’t let it become a would’ve, could’ve, should’ve….let it be a “ok…I did and now add another page to my journey”. Really ask yourself….would I rather be in pain temporarily or in pain for the rest of my life? The difference lies in whether or not you take the chance of going on this journey. Good luck, you can do it!